


you do not know the first note of the music that moves me

by biscutpoo



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) RPF
Genre: Asexual!Wang Yibo, Asexuality, Coming Out, Developing Relationship, M/M, see notes for full warnings, zsww - Freeform, zswwlsfyweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:46:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29528691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biscutpoo/pseuds/biscutpoo
Summary: Sometimes Wang Yibo feels like everyone except him is dancing to a song that he doesn’t understand. And the internal music that moves through him, nobody else seems to hear.
Relationships: Past Wang Yibo/Nameless Girlfriend, Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan | Sean
Comments: 21
Kudos: 152
Collections: ZSWW/LSFY Week 2021





	you do not know the first note of the music that moves me

**Author's Note:**

> This fandom seems to have a lot of explicit material, which is fine and all. But I thought it would be nice to drop some ace representation. Am I projecting? Maybe. I actually conceptualized and wrote a portion of this story before the ZSWW/LSFY week prompts were dropped. I’m posting this now because it happens to fit with the prompt, but because I didn’t plan this fic with the event in mind, it may not be exactly in line with that. Hope this is still ok.
> 
> Title comes from one of my favorite books of all time, The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss.
> 
> Warnings: There are some potentially insensitive comments about sexuality made to Yibo in this fic from others around him. These mostly come from a place of ignorance and aren’t meant maliciously. Yibo also ends up in some situations that are potentially dubious consent in the sense that Yibo is uncomfortable and doesn’t want to proceed/only participating because it’s expected and doesn’t know how to voice that. This is a fictional depiction of an asexual experience, some of it is drawn from my life and other parts I made up.

There’s a certain vernacular that sexual beings use to talk about sexual desire, Wang Yibo realizes. He learns this language quickly as a teenage trainee listening to the way others talk. The older guys like to sit around after rehearsals and gossip about the pretty female trainees. Even though Yuehua has a “no dating” policy, Yibo quickly realizes it’s more uncommon for an artist to adhere to that policy than not.

“Anqi came over last night after rehearsals,” Li Wenhan says, a smug smirk on his face. “And we…you know.” He claps his hands three times, _pa pa pa_.

The other guys crow with raucous laughter and start to congratulate Wenhan, digging their elbows into his ribs and roughhousing.

“Was it your first time?” Zhou Yixuan asks with exaggerated pompousness.

“Lay off!” Wenhan scowls with a blush that sends the other guys off again.

“Are you going to start seeing each other now?” Cho Seungyoun asks and Yibo is surprised when Wenhan shakes his head.

“Nah,” the older boy says with a scoff. “She’s pretty, but I don’t really want to date her.”

“Then what was the point of sleeping with her?” Yibo blurts out.

“For the sex…duh,” Wenhan replies.

“What a player!!!” Kim Sungjoo teases.

“You’ll understand when you’re older,” Wenhan tells Yibo patronizingly. This comment makes him scowl. Even as the maknae of the group, Yibo’s never liked it when the others belittled him for his age.

“Our Yibo is just too innocent!” Yixuan chimes in. “Don’t poison his mind with your terrible ways!”

The rest of the conversation moves onto other topics but Yibo finds he’s still turning Wenhan’s words over in his head. Up to this point, he thought that all the talk about girls and wanting to sleep with them was just that…talk. People said “I want to hit that” or “she turns me on” or “she’s so hot” all the time, but that was all just—just a way to express exaggerated interest. The same way you might complain about being starved to death when you were really just very hungry. Yibo hadn’t realized that when some people said they wanted to have sex with a person, they actually meant it. 

Whatever.

He’s never really had much to contribute during these guy talk conversations anyways and if from now on, Yibo says even less when the topic of girls or sex comes up, none of the others even bat an eye. They still see him as the younger brother and Wang Yibo has always been a man of few words anyway.

* * *

UNIQ debuts and hits it off pretty well. Yibo finds himself busy promoting in Korea and later China. Unlike some of the other members, he doesn’t spare a thought to dating. Why jeopardize what’s going so well?

But then Yixuan gets a girlfriend and Sungjoo too and pretty soon it’s just him, Wenhan, and Seungyoun hanging out playing video games on a Friday night.

“Dude,” says Seungyoun. “I heard Meiqi asked you out and you turned her down.”

“Hmm?” asks Yibo absentmindedly, his character has just been ambushed by rival soldiers on screen so his mind isn’t really on the conversation at hand. “Oh yeah, she’s not my type.”

“What?” Wenhan exclaims, “No way! She’s smoking hot, dude, are you blind?”

“Is she?” Yibo returns.

Seungyoun groans. “As expected of our cold and aloof, Yibo. No beautiful maiden can melt his icy exterior.”

“Then what is your type?” Wenhan demands. “Cute? Athletic?”

“I don’t know,” Yibo replies defensively. “Someone who likes video games?”

Wenhan looks unimpressed.

“Hurry up and focus! You’re gonna lose it for us!”

Wenhan rolls his eyes but obediently turns back to the game. “There must be someone who meets even Prince Yibo’s lofty goals,” he proclaims and is promptly killed by a well-placed headshot.

Yibo groans, “I don’t know, no one’s really caught my eye yet.”

“What about Cheng Xiao? She’s totally into you.”

Yibo grimaces. “Ew, no. We’re just friends. Don’t make it weird.”

“Maybe you’re gay,” Wenhan replies with an exaggerated sigh.

“Fuck off!” Yibo grabs the nearest pillow he can find and chucks it at Wenhan’s head. What results is a typical frantic wrestling fight between two teenage boys where Seungyoun eggs them on from the side, Yibo gets his hair mussed up, and somehow loses a sock.

“You’re years too early if you want to beat me,” Wenhan crows after Yibo has reluctantly called uncle. He’s got Yibo’s head in an uncomfortably tight chokehold in the crook of his elbow.

They go back to the game on hand like nothing has happened and this time Wenhan actually pays attention long enough for them to win.

That night, while Yibo has his foot draped over Seungyoun’s ankle and is trying to fall asleep, Seungyoun pats him gently on the shoulder in a rare big brother moment. “Don’t let Wenhan’s comment bother you,” Seungyoun mumbles sleepily. “He didn’t mean it in a bad way. And even if he did, there’s nothing wrong with being gay.”

Yibo knows that already. Despite what Yixuan thinks, Yibo is not entirely innocent. He’s seen for himself different kinds of attraction in the Korean entertainment industry and not thought too much about it. Some guys like ballads, others like hip hop. It’s all music anyways.

Somehow the darkness makes confessing secrets easier. “I’m not mad at him. I just don’t get what’s so great about dating anyway?” Yibo grumbles. “Hanging out with you guys beats kissing a girl any time.”

“You can’t say that if you’ve never tried it,” says Seungyoun wisely. “Maybe just go on a few dates next time, might be fun.”

Yibo somehow doubts that. But if it will get his brothers to stop making fun of him all the time, maybe he will—just to shut them up.

So the next time a girl asks him out, Yibo says yes.

* * *

She’s nice enough. She talks a lot, enough to fill his silences, but not too much that he finds her annoying. She doesn’t seem to mind that his answers to her questions sometimes consist entirely of grunts. She’s sweet and cute and not too demanding. She has a pretty face. All things he knows most people look for in a girlfriend. Most importantly, spending time with her is fun enough.

But then Yibo lands the hosting gig on Day Day Up and a few rudimentary acting gigs and his career really starts to take off. The Hallyu ban means that UNIQ is disbanded in all but name—its members scattered to the four corners. Seungyoun and Sungjoo return to Korea to pursue solo endeavors, Wenhan and Yixuan throw themselves into acting, but they all still keep in touch as much as possible.

Yibo gets busier and busier. Pretty soon he’s spending more time outside of Beijing than in it and if he can find the time to spare, Yibo would rather spend his free day on the racetrack with his new racing geges than with his girlfriend.

By the end of their relationship, they barely see each other.

She finally confronts him about it on one of their rare date nights at his apartment. Yibo’s ordered takeout, they’re watching a movie—some lovey dovey rom-com—when she says, “You don’t really seem interested.”

“The movie’s not to my taste,” Yibo admits between bites of noodles.

“No, I meant about our relationship,” she says.

“Oh,” Yibo replies.

“I just mean...we’ve been dating for 6 months and we’ve barely gone past holding hands or kissing. I keep trying to give off signs that I’m interested in taking our relationship further but you’re always deflecting.”

Yibo blinks.

“Am I not pretty enough?” his girlfriend asks. She sounds on the verge of tears.

“Ah, no that’s not it,” Yibo stammers. He tries to think of ways to say _I’ve just honestly never felt in the mood to have sex with you_ without sounding like an asshole and fails. “I just think we’re both so busy right now,” he says instead. “We can barely find the time to see each other. We might as well be single.”

Needless to say, she is not pleased.

They scream at each other for a while but eventually agree to break up and that’s that, Yibo thinks.

When he tells his UNIQ brothers that he and his girlfriend have broken up, they’re all sympathetic. “Dating in the industry’s hard,” Yixuan says kindly.

“There’ll be better fish in the sea!” Sungjoo promises.

It’s only to Seungyoun that Yibo admits the truth. “She wanted to have sex but I really wasn’t interested.”

“She wasn’t attractive enough?” Seungyoun asks.

“What do you mean?” Yibo scoffs. “She’s pretty attractive. But me thinking someone’s pretty and me wanting to have sex with them are two separate matters.”

“No they’re not,” says Seungyoun. “Dude, if she’s attractive then you want to have sex with her.”

“What the fuck?” Yibo says. “No.” And then when Seungyoun continues to stare at him, “Seriously?”

“I slept with someone last month who thought I was a member of EXO,” Seungyoun replies, “If I didn’t find her attractive do you think I would have bothered?”

“That’s only because you’re horny as hell!” Yibo accuses. “Not everyone wants to sleep with everything that moves!”

Seungyoun rolls his eyes. “Ok, ok,” he says pacifyingly. “Maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet.”

“Maybe,” Yibo mumbles. What he doesn’t say is that he very much doubts this is true. When Yibo tries to picture in his head the image of the “perfect” girl with whom he would actually want to have sex, there’s no one archetype that pops out. Short, tall, skinny, not-skinny…whoever this unicorn is, he highly doubts she exists.

It’s the same when interviewers ask him about his _ideal girl_ with the shark-like eyes of an auntie who has just latched onto the newest piece of juicy gossip.

 _No one._ Yibo wants to say but doesn’t. _Whatever is fine_ doesn’t sound much better. What he says instead—for lack of anything better—are the first traits he sees on the nearest woman staff member. Short hair, he answers one time. Long hair, he says the next time, with no regard at all for the obvious contradictions. He says it with what his manager calls “a too blasé attitude” whenever she’s scolding him on his interview performance later, but Yibo could really not care less.

Maybe Wenhan had the right idea after all. Maybe he really is gay.

* * *

And then the summer of 2018 happens and Yibo realizes with sudden, undeniable, conviction that _yes…_ he is definitely gay.

That is the summer he meets Xiao Zhan.

Some people are born easy to love and Xiao Zhan was definitely one of those people.

Their encounter is like sparks flying. For someone who traditionally takes a long time to warm up to others, there is just something about Xiao Zhan’s aura that makes Yibo feel instantly at home. They have the same unique sense of humor, Yibo realizes pleasantly. Especially when his corny joke about cultivating in a subway makes Xiao Zhan laugh so hard he fumbles every line about cultivating the demonic path in the next three scenes during table reads.

Yibo, someone who has been babied and pampered by older brothers his entire life, suddenly wants to take care of Xiao Zhan like someone precious. He doesn’t stop to think about how a 26-year-old man can somehow manage to project the image of helplessness. “You’re too skinny,” Yibo scolds, his eyebrows pinching together in concern.

Xiao Zhan, who has practically sweated through his entire wardrobe, buries his face as close to the small electric fan as he can and whines, “It’s too hot.”

“Hey, are you listening to me?” Yibo shouts.

“Ah, Wang-laoshi, have mercy,” Xiao Zhan whines. “I don’t want to fight today.”

“Did you eat today?” Yibo persists. “What did you eat?”

“It’s too hot,” Xiao Zhan whines. “I don’t have any appetite!”

Wang Yibo grinds his teeth in frustration. “I bought an extra bowl of noodles and left it in the makeup room. Promise you’ll eat it later!” he nags.

“Ok, ok,” Xiao Zhan relents. “Wow, Wang-laoshi takes such good care of me.”

When he gets back to the makeup room between costume changes however, Wang Yibo is irked to see the bowl of noodles still exactly where he’d left it, uneaten.

Xiao Zhan apologizes, but doesn’t seem that repentant. They bicker about it, trading borderline blows in the makeup room before the entire crew. All of this ends in what Wang Yibo considers to be a resounding failure because Xiao Zhan skips off to eat crackers instead of the noodles and Yibo ends up eating the second bowl by himself in the corner.

He’s so put out about it that Yibo pouts his way all the way back to the hotel that night and searches “how to make someone eat” on Baidu out of spite.

* * *

The thing is, Yibo has always been the kind of person who dives headfirst into the things he loves with a level of passion and dedication that’s frightening. And Xiao Zhan is exactly the kind of ocean that Yibo wants to immerse himself in.

He wants to look at Xiao Zhan’s face every day for the rest of his life and never stop. Yibo wants to be the only thing in the world that Xiao Zhan looks at, too. He wants to spend every waking minute by Xiao Zhan’s side. He could watch this beautiful man smile for hours and not get tired. He could talk about pears and ants and whatnot for hours if that was what it took to tease a laugh from this man. If Yibo was a desert, Xiao Zhan was his rain.

He thinks maybe this is what sexual attraction feels like.

* * *

They’re rehearsing lines one night in Yibo’s hotel room, Xiao Zhan is lying on his belly with his feet dangling off the edge of the hotel bed, barefaced with glasses and dark bags under his eyes. There are the beginnings of a pimple on his forehead and Xiao Zhan’s bunny teeth are worrying away at the skin of his bottom lip as he furrows his brows at the script, yet Wang Yibo has never seen anything more beautiful in his life.

“I want to date you,” he blurts out.

There is a moment of horrified silence afterwards where they stare at each other in shocked stillness and Yibo curses his no-filter mouth. And then Xiao Zhan is blushing, the corner of his lips pulling up in a shy smile that is way too endearing. “Wow, Wang-laoshi…” Xiao Zhan says with a soft giggle.

 _Well, to hell with it_ , Yibo thinks. He’s already come this far.

“I mean it,” continues Yibo’s mouth. “I really like you. A lot. I want to make this work…if you’re willing.”

Xiao Zhan blinks—once, twice—and then his gaze softens like he’s looking at something precious, too. “I would like that,” he says softly. “I’m willing to give this a try if you are. But let’s take things slow for now.”

“Right! Yes! Of course!” There’s a relieved grin spreading across Yibo’s face. He thinks he’s smiling so wide that his cheeks start to hurt. Xiao Zhan’s answering smile is still shy but also getting brighter.

* * *

Things don’t really change much after that.

Wang Yibo still nags at Xiao Zhan to eat. They still hit each other every chance they get and it might only be Yibo’s imagination, but he thinks that Xiao Zhan’s blows linger a bit longer than before. Xiao Zhan scolds him about taking better care of himself. “When you get to my age and your knees hurt, you’ll be sorry!” the older man jokes. It becomes a running joke on set for the staff to call them lovebirds, even though they likely have no idea how true that is.

One day, Wang Yibo makes his assistant wait in line to get seats at Xiao Zhan’s favorite hotpot restaurant. Afterwards, they wind up back in Xiao Zhan’s hotel room, trading off video games and laughing together. One of Yibo’s feet winds its way around Xiao Zhan’s leg and tickles his ankle. In response, Xiao Zhan rolls his eyes and lets Yibo prop his chin on Xiao Zhan’s bony back to watch the phone screen over his shoulder. The MSG from their dinner combined with the grueling work hours has made Yibo sleepy.

“When are you leaving for Changsha?” Xiao Zhan asks.

Yibo hums drowsily. “Tomorrow morning,” he mumbles. They’d had so many days of night shoots and early mornings that the toll is starting to hit him. He yawns.

“Early?” Xiao Zhan asks.

“Mmm, probably.” He should undoubtedly go back to his own room, Yibo thinks lazily, but the hotel AC is cold enough to leave goosebumps along his exposed skin and Xiao Zhan is a furnace.

“Lao Wang,” Xiao Zhan says fondly. “You’re falling asleep.”

“Mm’not,” Yibo lies.

Xiao Zhan rolls out from under him and Yibo whines, eyes shooting open. “Zhan-ge,” he complains.

“I’m just getting the lights,” Xiao Zhan replies. The room plunges into blackness in the next second and then Yibo hears the sound of the bed creaking as Xiao Zhan comes back. In the next moment, the older man wraps an arm around Yibo and pulls him against his chest. “Just sleep here,” Xiao Zhan says. “It’s too late to go back to your own room anyways.”

“Mmm,” Yibo hums. “Ok.”

“Only sleep though,” Xiao Zhan says pointedly. “Don’t get any funny ideas.”

A lethargy has already fogged up his mind because Yibo frowns in the dark. “What else would we do?” he asks innocently.

Xiao Zhan laughs and presses a soft peck to Yibo’s forehead. “I’ll wake you before your bodyguard comes tomorrow,” he promises in lieu of a response.

And Yibo, who would normally have a hard time falling asleep in the dark, on an unfamiliar bed, falls rapidly into slumber listening to the sound of Xiao Zhan’s breaths.

* * *

Xiao Zhan gifts Yibo a motorcycle helmet for his 21st birthday and counts down the seconds until midnight so that he can be the very first person to wish Wang Yibo a happy birthday. Later, after they’ve wrapped their scenes, the entire crew brings a cake onto set and everyone gathers around to dig in.

“Are you going to eat a slice?” Yibo asks, his eyes following Xiao Zhan around the room as he strips off Wei Wuxian’s costume.

“Of course,” Xiao Zhan replies. “It’s Lao Wang’s birthday cake! Of course I’ll eat some.”

Because Yibo is a brat and holds deep grudges, he makes sure that Xiao Zhan’s cake is extra-large with at least two pieces of chocolate to make up for the noodles he didn’t eat and is secretly pleased when Xiao Zhan eats the whole thing.

They make plans to go running the next morning before Yibo’s call-time. Just the two of them—side by side through winding rural roads—with nothing but the sound of the birds and each other’s breaths to keep them company.

At the end of their run, hidden under the shadow of a large weeping willow, Xiao Zhan pulls Yibo aside and says, “There’s actually one more birthday gift I want to give you.”

“What gift?” Yibo asks.

Xiao Zhan smiles bashfully. “Come closer,” he whines, tugging Yibo up against the tree trunk. The bark is digging into Yibo’s back and Xiao Zhan takes a quick look left and right to make sure the coast is clear before he leans in and kisses Yibo on the lips. Xiao Zhan smells like sweat from their run and his lips are slightly chapped. It’s very wet, Yibo thinks. Not quite as uncomfortable as all the staged kisses he’s filmed on romance sets—where all there really is to think about is how long he needs to hold what angle in order to look good on camera—but not pleasant either.

When Xiao Zhan pulls away after a while, he’s panting slightly, his eyes are shiny, and his pupils are slightly blown. “I think I liked the motorcycle helmet better,” Yibo blurts out.

Xiao Zhan scowls and hits him and Wang Yibo laughs like he meant it as a joke.

They hold hands back to the hotel and Xiao Zhan lets go just before they come into sight of the front lobby with a soft smile. Yibo takes a quick shower before his staff usher him into the van that will take him to set, feeling especially giddy. In the car ride, he pulls out his phone and pens a heartfelt Weibo message, “What has already been set when I’m 21, I hope at age 81 will still be true.”

* * *

On the last day of filming, Yibo mopes around the hills, sticking to Xiao Zhan like a bad dream. Xiao Zhan tries to cheer him up by holding the fluffy end of a stalk of wild grass in his palms like a caterpillar in order to tease him, but to no avail.

Somewhere on this summer mountainside, with windmills in the far distance, Yibo feels like this dream that he’s been living in is coming to a close.

They ride the same van back to the hotel. Later that night, the entire cast and crew are having a celebratory wrap party and Xiao Zhan is flying back to Beijing early the next morning.

“Aiya,” says Xiao Zhan, poking Yibo on the forehead. “What’s with the long face?” he teases. “You’re acting like I’m dumping you.”

“Zhan-ge _is_ leaving me,” Yibo whines. “He’s going on a world tour with his bandmates and we’ll never speak again.”

Xiao Zhan rolls his eyes. “The piggy is upset again,” he complains. “How should I coax you?”

“Then eat a big plate at tonight’s dinner!” Yibo says. Because…again. Grudges. Deep. “We’re done filming! Don’t tell me you still need to watch your weight.”

“Ok, ok,” Xiao Zhan placates. “Then in exchange, the next time you’re in Beijing come to my place. I’ll cook us dinner.”

Yibo beams pleased. “ _In exchange,_ ” he laughs. “I get to eat Zhan-ge’s home-cooked food. This is a double-win for me.”

Xiao Zhan smiles, “Otherwise how could it be considered coaxing you?” he says wisely.

* * *

Yibo sends a voice message to the UNIQ group chat during his layover time in Changsha informing them all that he now has a boyfriend.

It didn’t really strike him as coming out until he’d already sent the message but everyone is supportive. Yixuan asks for an address in case he needs to go give Xiao Zhan the shovel talk because “nobody is allowed to break my baby bro’s heart.”

Seungyoun screams _“Congratulations!”_ with many heart emojis. Wenhan asks jokingly how the sex is.

“Ugh bro,” Yibo replies. “We just started dating. It hasn’t gotten that far yet.”

“Whattt?” Wenhan replies. “Are you waiting for an embossed invitation? I guess if he’s stuck around this long despite that, he’s a keeper.”

“We’ve been in hotels all summer with thin walls!” Yibo replies pointedly. “But I’m going to his place on Saturday. He’s cooking us dinner.”

The others send various sounds that resemble hoots and catcalls and Yibo slams his phone back into his pocket, suddenly upset.

The thing is…this relationship with Xiao Zhan has been going great. Yibo likes the way things are now—the teasing, the pampering, the jokes, and falling asleep together in dark hotel rooms. Why ruin the balance with something like sex?

But Wenhan’s comment strikes at the heart of one of Yibo’s deepest insecurities.

Sometimes Wang Yibo feels like everyone except him is dancing to a song that he doesn’t understand. And the internal music that moves through him, nobody else seems to hear. He thinks about the way his ex-girlfriend had said, “It seems like you’re not interested in me” just because he didn’t want to have sex with her. What if Xiao Zhan thinks the same way?

* * *

Later that week, Yibo shows up to Xiao Zhan’s apartment with a 6-pack of beer and a box of regional snacks he’d picked up from the Changsha airport. He must look like an awkward duck standing on Xiao Zhan’s doorstep, hands full of a random assortment of things to avoid showing up empty-handed. But Xiao Zhan, being an incredibly understanding boyfriend, just waves him inside with a fond smile.

The entire place smells like garlic and hot oil. “I made everything less spicy,” Xiao Zhan teases. “Here, give the beer to me, I’ll put it in the fridge.” He disappears briefly into the kitchen while Yibo sits himself down on the dining table and surveys the apartment around him. It looks like the kind of place Yibo might have expected Xiao Zhan to live in—simple with signs of clutter. There’s an easel by the window with a cluster of art supplies in barely organized drawers. An entire bookshelf of stuffed animals lines one wall.

Yibo is a bundle of nerves during dinner but the food is exceedingly delicious—a hodge podge of Xiao Zhan’s Chongqing style cuisine and more general dishes. He insists on helping Xiao Zhan clean up afterwards and dons an apron to wash the plates. Xiao Zhan giggles halfway through the dishes when a soap bubble from the suds floats near Yibo’s nose and he goes cross-eyed trying to blow it away. “You look really handsome in an apron,” Xiao Zhan explains. “Even though Lao Wang can’t even cook rice! It’s so unfair!”

Yibo has the sudden epiphany that all his worries from the past week have been about nothing. _No matter what happens, it’s only Zhan-ge,_ he realizes. Somehow that thought alone is comforting. To his giggling boyfriend, Yibo says, “I resent that! I can cook instant noodles!”

They settle on the couch afterwards to watch TV, with Xiao Zhan flipping randomly through the channels complaining that there’s nothing good on. That mole on his bottom lip looks especially cute when he pouts, Yibo thinks.

It’s Yibo who ends up initiating first, leaning upwards to nip at Xiao Zhan’s neck. Zhan-ge looks surprised, then knowing, and then his gaze darkens with lust.

Somehow they end up in his bedroom where Xiao Zhan pushes Yibo down on the mattress. Before long they’re making out in earnest and things are—fine. Yibo doesn’t know if he really feels it yet but Zhan-ge’s definitely a better kisser than any of the other people Yibo’s kissed in the past—including his ex-girlfriend. Xiao Zhan’s hands have found their way under Yibo’s shirt, pressed up flat against his abs. Things are going fine. And then Xiao Zhan’s hips dip low so that Yibo can feel the other man’s hardness pressed up against his thigh. And Xiao Zhan’s hands start to migrate lower and suddenly Yibo’s tensing up like a taut bowstring and his brain is screaming _Nope. Nope. Abort. Abort._

Xiao Zhan, sensing something is wrong, pulls away abruptly. “Are you ok?” he asks. Even kiss-wrecked, he still has the heart to worry about Yibo.

“Ah, sorry, I just…” But Yibo doesn’t know how to finish that sentence—doesn’t know how to put into words the way his brain had just slammed on the brakes of whatever this was going to be like a driver about to hit an accident. “I…” He stammers again.

Xiao Zhan is so hard it looks painful, but he’s still patiently waiting for Yibo’s answer. Except Yibo can’t think of anything to say.

“Was it something I did?” Xiao Zhan asks when the silence drags on awkwardly long.

Yibo flinches. “Sorry, I was just…we can keep going.”

“Yeah, I think that’s definitely off the table now,” the older man jokes. “Just uh…” He looks awkwardly down at the bulge in his pants. “Just give me a minute?” Xiao Zhan gestures at the bathroom and then shuffles off.

Yibo buries his face in the covers, breathes in the scent of Xiao Zhan’s detergent and silently screams. What had started out as a special night with his boyfriend is completely ruined now and it was all his fault. In fact, Zhan-ge’s probably jerking himself off in the other room to take care of the blue balls he has because Wang Yibo is a fucking idiot.

Yibo hears the sound of his boyfriend shuffling back a few minutes later but doesn’t remove his face from Xiao Zhan’s sheets.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Xiao Zhan asks carefully.

“I’ve never…with anyone…before.” Yibo admits.

“Really?” Xiao Zhan asks, surprised. “Not even with girls?”

Yibo can feel his ears going scarlet. “I’ve never met anyone I’ve wanted to… _do that_ with. Why do you sound so surprised?” he snaps.

“Ah…don’t be offended!” Xiao Zhan placates. “It’s just that Wang-laoshi looks so sexy dancing on stage. He knows exactly what way to move his hips to get the most attention.”

“That’s just a job,” says Yibo waspishly. “Like when they ask you to act cute or smile or say certain lines. I do it because it’s expected.”

“Ok, ok,” Xiao Zhan replies. “It’s perfectly ok to be nervous for your first time,” he reassures. “We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”

“And what if I’m never…ready?” Yibo mutters, turning over so that he can look Xiao Zhan in the face. “What if there’s something wrong with me?”

There must be something wrong with him. Because Xiao Zhan is perfect in every way and if Yibo doesn’t feel sexual attraction to this man then the problem is definitely with him.

Xiao Zhan pauses thoughtfully. “Yibo, what do you want out of a relationship?”

“What do you mean?” Yibo asks, thrown.

“Like…between us,” says Xiao Zhan, gesturing at the space between them with his hands. “When you imagine us together, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know…watch TV, play games, eat, sleep, talk.” And then because it feels like he needs to prove something, Yibo says, “I like looking at you. I like it when you smile. Zhan-ge’s smile is his best feature.” And then when Xiao Zhan blushes scarlet, Yibo surges forward, emboldened. “I like being near you. I like eating with you. I like hitting you.”

Xiao Zhan scoffs. “Alright, but sex isn’t included in that?”

Yibo shakes his head slowly. The ideal life he could picture in his head now—a white picket fence, a large yard, a dog running in the distance—physical intimacy had never once crossed his mind.

“You’ve never wanted to have sex with a girl before?” Xiao Zhan continues.

“No,” says Yibo. “That’s how I realized I’m gay.”

Xiao Zhan nods as if this is all totally normal. “But you’ve also never wanted to have sex with a guy before?”

This…this is the critical question. “No,” admits Yibo finally.

The words of his UNIQ brothers echo and warp in his mind. Yibo rubs his eyes furiously to stem the tears because _god_ he can’t be this pathetic. _Maybe you don’t actually like me enough,_ Xiao Zhan will say. _Maybe you haven’t met the right person._ Or _Maybe it’s because you’ve never tried it before. We can work our way up to it, you can’t decide you don’t like something you’ve never tried._

He thinks if Zhan-ge says any of that Yibo might just have to leave.

What Xiao Zhan says instead is this. “Maybe you’re asexual.”

It’s not a term Yibo is familiar with. “What?”

“You know,” says Xiao Zhan slowly. “Asexual? Doesn’t feel sexual attraction? I had a friend in college who identified this way. Hang on, let me look it up.”

Xiao Zhan rolls across the bed to feel for his phone charging by the bedside cabinet and spends a good few minutes scrolling and typing before he pulls up a Baidu page.

“Asexuality,” Xiao Zhan reads. “Is the lack of sexual attraction to others, low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. Asexuals differ in their feelings toward performing sex acts: some are indifferent and may have sex for the benefit of a romantic partner; others are more strongly averse to the idea, though they do not typically dislike people for having sex. Does that sound like something you relate to?” Xiao Zhan asks.

Yibo can’t explain in words the way everything about his feelings suddenly click into place. It feels like finding the missing piece of a Lego set that finally completes an entire picture. It feels like coming home.

“Sort of,” Yibo says around the lump in his throat.

“Ah there’s more,” Xiao Zhan continues. “Asexuality only encompasses sex and does not refer to romantic relationships. People who identify as asexual can therefore still fall in love, they just have a lack of interest in sexual activities. They may often identify with other labels. Regarding romantic or emotional aspects of sexual orientation, asexuals may identify as aromantic, a lack of romantic attraction towards anyone, hetero-, homo-, bi-, or pan-romantic.”

“Hmm, there’s a lot of technical jargon here too,” Xiao Zhan mutters thoughtfully as he swipes through the page with his thumb.

It’s the way Xiao Zhan is acting like none of this is a big deal, spread out across the bed on his belly, feet kicking in slow waves in the air, that finally overwhelms Yibo with a rush of emotion. “You’re taking this really well,” he says, voice cracking at the end.

Xiao Zhan looks alarmed. “Oh sweetheart, can I hug you?” he asks.

Yibo nods. Being hugged by Xiao Zhan has always felt good.

“Yibo, I love you,” Xiao Zhan says, his hands rubbing soothing circles up Yibo’s back. “If one day you wake up in the morning and decide you want to have sex, that’s great. If you never feel like that ever, that’s also great,” Xiao Zhan says. “I love you for you, not for your body.”

“Really?” asks Yibo hopefully.

“Really,” Xiao Zhan replies. “So long as you don’t mind if I…by myself…” he trails off awkwardly and makes a jerking off motion in the air.

Yibo wrinkles his nose. “You’re welcome to.”

Xiao Zhan laughs. “But we should talk about what you’re comfortable with,” he says forcefully. “I don’t want to do something you’re not ok with.”

“Yeah alright,” Yibo agrees. He feels in a partial daze as if everything that’s just happened has been a dream and is suddenly afraid he’ll wake up. “So, we’re ok?” he asks anxiously.

Xiao Zhan sighs, his breath tickling the back of Yibo’s neck. In the next second, Xiao Zhan buries his nose in Yibo’s shoulder and takes one big breath of his cologne. Yibo smells like Bleu de Chanel—woodsy with a hint of citrus.

“Yeah,” Xiao Zhan replies. “We’re ok.”

* * *

The thing is…some people are born easy to love. And Wang Yibo was definitely one of those people.

When push comes to shove, any sacrifice Xiao Zhan makes will be worth it.

This is not to say that everything is easy going from there. As with all relationships, they have their rough patches.

Sometimes they go weeks without seeing each other or one of them will be so tired, they won’t want to do anything, even on those rare days that they _do_ see each other. Sometimes they fight and say terrible things to each other—the kind of harsh words that only those who truly love each other could ever bear to say.

But slowly, over time, they learn to make things work.

* * *

“Is this ok?” Xiao Zhan will ask before he puts his hand on Yibo’s neck or holds Yibo’s hand. And some days it is. Some days Yibo wants to be physically touching Xiao Zhan in as many small ways as possible. It bleeds over into their interactions in public—hands brushing, settling a bit longer than normal on backs and shoulders. And other days, Yibo won’t want Xiao Zhan to touch him at all—so much so that he notices every point of contact between the two of them like a blaring red flag. Xiao Zhan never complains though when Yibo pulls away first—just squeezes their hands together or bumps his leg against Yibo’s like one last reassuring pat goodbye—and lets him go.

They learn to show their affection for each other in other ways—in a manner that has nothing to do with sweat, bodily fluids, or the secret intimacy of skin on skin. The kind of affection which manifests itself in silent companionship and understanding that no others can match, in Wang Yibo ordering all of Xiao Zhan’s favorite takeout meals to make sure he eats, in Xiao Zhan insisting that Yibo wear kneepads to protect himself from further dance injuries, and in the simple way they gravitate around each other like moons in orbit. This too is a kind of intimacy in its own way.

Some people dance to the beat of the music around them, while others can’t pick out a downbeat to save their lives.

All of these and more are still ok.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [ Kika988 ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kika988/pseuds/Kika988) and [ Sreevalli ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sreevalli) for the beta read!
> 
> I'm on Twitter [ biscutpoo (@Thousand_Storms) ](https://twitter.com/Thousand_Storms) where I mostly fangirl about WYB and XZ. New friends are always welcome!


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